i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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