don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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