My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
