I feel like abortions should bother me more
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!