dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I die, sorry about rent.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.