i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
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he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.