with your own penis?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer