A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
pop tarts are not kleenex
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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