So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
