how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just invented taco cereal.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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