Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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