Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
