beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
