I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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