I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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