The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
