You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
