Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
