Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
