WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
