I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
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I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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