dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
