I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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