Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
