I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
