I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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