I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
