dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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