Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
