Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
