On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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