True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
