I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
