There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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