he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
