and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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