I'd wear matching sweaters with you
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
