how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
