I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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