i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize