Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
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Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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