if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
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I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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