if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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