i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
