youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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