I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
