What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
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I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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