I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
