remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
