Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
