bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
