Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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