Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
