He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I got inside last night via doggy door
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
