walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
