I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
