I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You need a sexual gate keeper
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
