I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
