I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
