she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Randomize
