it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
